In talking about education, we must first define our terms. Education is fundamentally the acquisition of knowledge, useful or not; its first subspecies—training—does as its name implies train people to perform a given skillset; useless knowledge, like liberal arts degrees, rarely impart any skills.

This country has a problem. An overuse of meaningless adages, issued by parents, promising their children that they can be whatever they like when they grow up. Because their parents told them the same thing, and their parents before them.

Today, America is a nation of manchildren, the oldest of which—the BabyBoomers—having grown up in a postwar culture of prosperity and perceived entitlement; GenerationX were raised to maintain the assumption that most jobs in the world were beneath them, or at least some temporary opprobrium to be suffered until a collegiate degree freed them from a fate of flipping burgers for the rest of their lives; the Millennial Generation, raised by GenerationX, have no specific work ethic at all.

Cthulhu being the only candidate over a million years old, these finicky infants—some of them now in their sixties—displease him with their selfentitled, ignoble narcissism. It’s time to stop supporting generations of academic cripples and their dreams of taking a PhD in multicultural basketswallowing. Not everyone can be a pseudointellectual elitist in the modern world, if anyone at all; America needs talentless, labouring proletariats in order to remain functional: for every gourmet chef preparing Human Bisque for Cthulhu, there must also be a meaningless serf to clear away the dishes and make room for the following course.

The Department of Education—the very concept of education in America—has failed utterly. As president, Cthulhu will abolish the very idea of higher education, allowing a true meritocracy to determine which among the younger generations will learn valid and necessary skillsets—not through simple theory and study, but by basic onthejob apprenticeship.

America will return to its values: that a job done well is its own reward.